From the novel Year of The Rhinoceros

BAD BOSS THEORY

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ABOUT THE NOVEL

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CHARACTERS:

BABS EASTON: a woman in her mid twenties.

MANNY EDEN: a man in his early twenties.

SCENE: Babs Easton, the office bimbo and brown-noser, invites Manny Eden into her office to inform him she has just been appointed his new boss. As a stunned Manny reels with the news, Babs begins to exercise her newfound power. After Manny inquires about the disappearance of a colleague who has been fired, Babs begins baiting Manny, bullying him and intentionally pushing every button possible.

(NOTE: the audition video begins below with the line by Manny Eden:
"What happened to Becky Bergstein?")

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BABS ON HIGH

BABS (smiling)
I’ve called you in my office today, Manny ... for a special reason.

MANNY
What’s that, Babs?

BABS (playful)
I want you to guess.

MANNY (irritated)
I don't think so.

BABS
Why?

MANNY
I'm at a loss.

BABS
Someone told me you already know.

MANNY
I don't.

BABS
You must be faking it ... You must be.

MANNY
No.

BABS
I'll give you a hint.

MANNY (exasperated)
Sure, but hurry cause I’m really busy.

BABS
I'm your new boss, Manny.

MANNY
(no answer)

BABS
B.O.S.S.

MANNY
(no answer)

BABS
Manny? Why aren’t you answering?

MANNY
(no answer)

BABS
(childlike) Mannnnny ... Don't be an evaderrrrr.

MANNY (confused)
I don’t understand the joke, Babs.

BABS
I'm the Deputy Director of the Investigation Division, Manny.

MANNY
Didn't know we needed one.

BABS
Surprised?

MANNY
Sure ... more than surprised. I’m stunned.

BABS
The job came open, and I applied.

MANNY
I didn’t see a job announcement. Did they post—

BABS
Anyway, our director, Mr. Hunsecker, has asked me to brief you.

MANNY (recovering)
About?

BABS (growing cold)
You'll be going through me from now on.

MANNY
For everything?

BABS
Yes, everything ... He still has his open door policy, like always. You can still communicate something private, or personal, or privileged . . . but please let me know first, just so I can tell him you're coming.

MANNY
Of course.

BABS
But now, you and I have things to discuss.

MANNY
Things?

BABS
Just a few questions, Manny, maybe a few observations. Consider our session today a kind of progress review ... We'll expand our knowledge bases.

MANNY
Ditto, Babs.

BABS
Well, there's something I have to get off my chest first, Manny.

MANNY
Okay, Babs.

BABS
I just want to make sure you show me the same respect you do Mr. Hunsecker.

MANNY
Count on it.

BABS
Thank you, Manny. That means a lot coming from you.

MANNY
You’re welcome, Babs.

BABS
Now, Manny, I'm ready for my first question.

MANNY
Shoot, Babs.

BABS
Manny ... how do you like working at OWC?

MANNY (stoic)
I've gotten a full dose.

BABS
I didn't hear you.

MANNY
I'm full of it, Babs ... pregnant with knowledge.

BABS
That's silly.

MANNY
A few months worth.

BABS
Are you trying to be flip?

MANNY
No, honest ... I’m just not ready to see you as a supervisor.

BABS
Well, you better get ready, Manny ... This is optimum organization.

MANNY
Huh?

BABS
Yes. In this way, Mr. Hunsecker frees himself up to do more important things ... Do you have any questions that might clear this situation up for you?

MANNY
What happened to Becky Bergstein?

BABS
What has that got to do with anything?

MANNY
I’m just curious.

BABS
She was fired.

MANNY (surprised)
What?

BABS
Frosting on a disruptive cake that's been a rising a long time.

MANNY
She—

BABS
She shot herself in the foot. Over and over.

MANNY
She—

BABS
I only hope she learns to finally accept responsibility as a result of all this. She was the one Varsana heard ripping a big hole in one of the partitions. Destruction of government property is a dismissible offense ... My next question, Manny: how's your attitude these days?

MANNY
I don't know ... What is it?

BABS
Don't get defensive.

MANNY
I'm at a loss, Babs.

BABS
You don't seem to understand what OWC is trying to prevent, Manny.

MANNY
But I do.

BABS
Then why the bumming face? Everyone notices it. A personal trauma?

MANNY (perplexed)
What? ... No, no trauma. That’s ridiculous.

BABS
Don't get defensive.

MANNY
No trauma, Babs.

BABS
Are you a victim of stress?

MANNY
Worry ... maybe.

BABS
But worry causes stress, Manny. I know some worry-stopping mental techniques you can try. When you feel yourself start to worry, yell stop! The mind can't concentrate on two big things at once. That stop! just pushes everything else out, like a bully pushing a skinny little kid out of line.

MANNY
I’ve always wanted to be a bully.

BABS
Also, wear a rubber band around your wrist. If you feel worry coming on, just snap yourself. It conditions your subconscious mind in a few days. You'll get productive again.

MANNY
Sure, I’ll just snap myself into productivity.

BABS
But the bigger question still remains, Manny. Why worry? And the answer is don't, just don't.

MANNY
And—

BABS
Stress will take care of itself. You'll be able to fall madly in love with your job again.

MANNY
Doesn’t it depend on expectations, Babs?

BABS
Then expect productivity, Manny. Start your day by dishing yourself out to positive people. Talk about good things. Have high expectations. But tell me, Manny ...

MANNY
Yes?

BABS
Do you really feel good about yourself?

MANNY
I feel like a burn victim.

BABS
I don't want to know ... In any case, I do want to share something with you that others in this office have noticed, and that I think will help you. It has something to do with gamesmanship. Are you familiar with the concept?

MANNY
Not that one.

BABS
Well, I’d like to sum it up for you.

MANNY
Okay.

BABS
You come into a new office. You find out how the game is played, and you play it. If you refuse to play, it's not because you're more ethical, or smarter, it's simply because, maybe you're a little dull.

MANNY
I am.

BABS
That's what it appears, Manny ... But I don't believe it. However, I've had funny reports.

MANNY
If they're funny ... ?

BABS
You've been spinning around in your office, mumbling comedy routines? Doing imitations of cartoon characters reciting the First Amendment?

MANNY
It's a relaxer, Babs.

BABS
It's also bad for morale, Manny.

MANNY
So—

BABS
Some people in the office feel it mocks the Counsel.

MANNY
I'll pretend something else. Okay, Babs?

BABS
Are you trying to be flip, Manny?

MANNY
No, just relieved.

BABS
Do you want me to make a report on this dialogue to Mr. Hunsecker?

MANNY (pretending hurt)
We're friends, Babs.

BABS
But do you respect me, Manny?

MANNY
Sure, Babs.

BABS
I want your respect, Manny.

MANNY
Then you have it, Babs.

BABS
Just be professional. No more bumming or comedy stuff, okey dokey?

MANNY
Okey dokey.

BABS (cheery)
Is there anything else you want to say? Any stumps I didn't blow?

MANNY (smiling)
Ha, that’s funny.

BABS
Okay, Manny. Thanks for coming.

MANNY
Thank you, Babs.

BABS
Oh, Manny?

MANNY
Yes?

BABS
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

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